so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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