i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
