Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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