Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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