I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
