So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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