Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
