Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
