Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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