smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I met the friendliest cop last night
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Be still, my beating vagina.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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