When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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