I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize