Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
