Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
