So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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