If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
So much Jack, so little girl.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
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