Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
