tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize