3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Randomize
