I have demons in me.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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