so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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