Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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