Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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