I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
my shit smells like andre
Slut skills are useful in every country.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
