I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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