I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
