John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
