omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
