Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
