my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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