I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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