My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
