I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize