I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
