After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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