Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
