The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
