My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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