as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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