I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
