I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
