everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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