if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize