So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
