The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Randomize
