I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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