Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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