So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
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