I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
