I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
