mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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