I hate all girls vehemently.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
