Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
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