She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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