Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
