she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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