i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
