My hair reeks of homosexuality.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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