Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
pop tarts are not kleenex
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
