They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
