If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
