He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
