just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
