i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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