I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
