Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
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