i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
