Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
