I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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